oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
