By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
