the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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