these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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