help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
