I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
