Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
