you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
