the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
