So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
