Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
