Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
