And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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