you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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