its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
