After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
