i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
