So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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