but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
