the only muscles i have these days is kegels
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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