I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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