Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
