Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
