I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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