the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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