drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
