I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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