he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
