so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
