I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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