I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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