i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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