that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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