I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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