I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
