So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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