So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Drake has all the answers
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
