i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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