Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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