I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize