I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
