if i can run in heels then i can drive
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Randomize
