Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
