the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
