Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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