I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
