If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
