matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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