i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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