It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
