Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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