just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
