Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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