He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
