So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
