ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
