Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
